I have had my share of strange bosses, I mean who hasn’t? My first boss was okay. She wore her pants really high and it was my first time at the age of 14 hearing the word “fupa” because my stoner, 17 year old co- worker referred to her as fupa khaks.
Now I am out of college, being forced to test the real world and stick it to the man.
Anyways. My first encounter with an actual character of a TV show was unfortunately , my boss and on the worst kind of genre of TV, reality television. I was out in the Hamptons and my boss and I and some other “wealthy man” (What the new york post page 6 literally referred to the dude we were hanging with) All got bottle service. Tequila. Not exaggerating, but we finished the whole bottle. When our bill arrived my boss caused a scene and we were kicked out of the club (This is another story, but somehow we made it into Page 6 of the New York Post I will post the link at the bottom of the page so you get the idea) Anyways we were driving home and from what my drunken brain can tell you, my boss was laying in the back and she started to touch herself. The “wealthy man” THREW the car into park and jumped in the back. I can’t explain in detail what was going on, however, the dude grabbed my hand and tried to make me touch my bosses vag. I did graze her vagina, and I got so scared I jumped out of the car. The last thing I remember is running to the house in the hamptons and asking the maid to hide me. The next morning I woke up in a locked room and the maid told me she hid me behind the couch for an hour and I was really quiet.
Another boss once sexted me. That was interesting. She was freaking out on me via text. I’m like chill lady, first it was a sunday afternoon and I was coming back from a music fest so I was dirty and I had at least three braincells left. I could not deal with the bitching. After “killing the boss with kindness” all of the sudden I received a picture message of her vagina saying “my legs would be spread and wrapped around you if you were here.” I immediately screamed and my friend who was driving was like “WHAT?! WHAT?!” I showed him and felt so gross out. I felt like a worm, all squiggly and slimy and confused. I just could not even think of the next encounter with my boss after this happened.
I was cleaning another bosses office once and I was new so I texted the old girl who I replaced and asked if it was ok to clean the inside of his desk. When she gave me the ok I started organizing and my way of organizing is pushing everything into one corner and after looking at it for three minutes I was like “grow up Christine, take everything out of the drawer and organize it the right way” So I took my two hands and started scooping up the materials and placing them on top of the desk. I had a whiff of something and I looked in the pile of junk in my hands and “No fucking way, this is a weed piece” I smelled it and it was a mini vaporizer. Anyways, I thought it was awesome for two seconds then I felt awkward again. I was thinking I should just throw everything back in the drawer and try to make it look all disorganized again, but I was like F it. The next week he knew I went through his desk and I just acted cool, but he acted kinda distant. Maybe it was all in my head. I thought I was going to be fired anyways because I was doing such a bad job. The next day he called me into the office “Hey Christine I have a present for you, I did some cooking this weekend and made you my special brownies.” OH NO WAY! I immediately thought he liked me again and I was really craving chocolate. So I sat back at my desk and opened the little Tupperware of brownies and thought wow these are really looking moist. So I tried to pick one up and they were really wet. Whatever, I ate one and it tasted pretty coconutty and it was so good, a second later I realized it tasted like weed. “Did I really just eat a pot brownie? Did my boss actually just give me special brownies?” I seriously thought special was like his special recipe his grandmother gave him or something. I started getting all panicy and sweaty. An hour later I started to feel really high and giggly and got the guts to ask the old girl if he makes special brownies. She confirmed that he did and then she explained that they sucked because they are all gooey. So for the next two hours of work I was really weird and high and I had to type up this simple document, but I just couldn’t stop thinking that I accidentally ate a pot brownie and my co worker and I had a 15 minute conversation about endless shrimp at red lobster.